Change is coming (but not for space aliens)

John Podesta, who runs President-elect Barack Obama's White House
transition team, is feeling the heat from the Extraterrestrial
Phenomenon Political Action Committee. They want him to lean on the
incoming president to come clean on what the government knows about
alien visitation.

Mr. Podesta, who served in the Clinton administration, is one of the
highest-ranking backers of the Coalition for Freedom of Information,
another group that believes legitimate investigation of unexplained
aerial phenomena has to come out of the shadows.

"It is time for the government to declassify records that are more
than 25 years old and to provide scientists with data that will assist
in determining the real nature of this phenomenon," Mr. Podesta said at
a 2002 news conference announcing the CFI's intent to gain access to
secret government records about UFOs.

Ironically, the Bush administration that has always had a penchant
for entertaining the theories of assorted neoconservative moonbats
wasn't interested. They may receive an equally chilly reception from
the new president judging by his answer during a Democratic debate
whether he believed extraterrestrial life existed:

"You know, I don't know, and I don't presume to know," Mr. Obama
said. "What I know is there is life here on Earth — and — we're not
attending to life here on Earth. We're not taking care of kids who are
alive and, unfortunately, are not getting health care. We're not taking
care of senior citizens who are alive and are seeing their heating
prices go up. So as president, those are the people I will be attending
to first."

It wasn't the most imaginative answer in the world, but it was a
clear statement of Mr. Obama's priorities. He isn't likely to have the
perspective of Fox Mulder from "The X-Files" represented on his
incoming team of rivals, unless we count former New Mexico Gov. Bill
Richardson, the man Mr. Obama has tapped to head the Department of
Commerce

Mr. Richardson wrote a forward to a book on the Roswell Incident, an
alleged UFO crash in New Mexico in 1947, and has publicly stated his
belief that the Pentagon is engaged in a cover-up. All of this could be
chalked up to be the posturing of a governor whose state benefits
enormously from UFO-related tourism.

Still, I would love to be a fly on the wall when John Podesta tries
to interest Barack Obama in ending the information embargo "regarding
an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race."

•

Obama: Listen, John, when I agreed to open the "X"
files, I thought we were talking about unlocking everything the
government knows about the murder of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom
in New York in 1965. What's with this "aliens among us" flying saucer
[expletive deleted]?

Podesta: Mr. President-elect, I know UFOs aren't your top priority, but …

Obama: John, didn't I recently diss Nancy Reagan
for bringing astrologers into the White House? How is it going to look
if I turn around and welcome the wrong kind of aliens to 1600
Pennsylvania Ave.? Besides, I hear that the extraterrestrials endorsed
Sen. John McCain in the election. They're dead to me now.

Podesta: They may be dead to you, sir, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Obama: Earth to John, Earth to John. No offense,
but maybe I should've brought Dennis Kucinich on as my transition
leader. At least he has firsthand experience with UFOs.

Podesta: Excuse me, sir, but …

Obama: Look, John. A black man with funny ears, a
Muslim name and an outspoken wife is about to be sworn in as the 44th
president of the United States. I survived the toughest Democratic
primary in our party's history and I beat a genuine Vietnam War hero in
the battle for this nation's hearts and minds. I am not going to
tarnish my achievement with this nutball stuff.

(Mr. Podesta gathers his papers and exits Mr. Obama's Chicago
office. He nods as he passes the president-elect's personal barber in
the hallway. Mr. Obama is already sitting in his chair when the barber
enters. Holding the mirror and examining his features, the
president-elect smiles mischievously.)

Barber: How's it going, Mr. President-elect?

Obama: No reason for you to stand on ceremony like the humans, Sub-Commander Z. We can speak freely.

The infiltration and occupation of the Earth's various governments
is nearly complete. Soon, we can safely summon the mother ship to dock
in Earth's orbit without fear. We'll control all of the world's nuclear
codes. Then we can truly begin enlightening these primitives about
their place in the galaxy.

Barber: Excellent, Lord Ashtar. It's a good thing these humans don't know how "elitist" you truly are.